Dark Cause Parodies to celebrate Asyre Day 2010!
by Lycan-Song
Summary: A selection of parodies written by me, taking the mickey out of my own characters! I encourage you to take the mickey out of them too!
1. Chapter 1

**Arcell comes Home from Salhart.**

_Arcell walks into his bedroom. It suddenly is not actually underground but instead has several open windows, pointing out into open sky._

**ARCELL**: Ahh, it's good to be home. Anything happen while I was gone, Mura?

**MURA**: Nope nothing! Completely boring! Oh, wait, I did manage to increase all levels of Hult to near enough maximum!

**ARCELL**: Really? Well done, Mura, well done indeed! Keep that up and you'll be my right-hand man in no time.

_As Arcell says this, he opens his wardrobe and throws in his cape. A vampyre hisses inside and lunges for Arcell but Arcell shuts the door with a bang which disguises the bang from the vampyre crashing into it. Mura's face drops._

**ARCELL**: You okay, Mura?

**MURA**: Yep! Fine! Good.

**ARCELL**: Good. Want a drink?

_A vampyre appears at one of the windows, tongue lolling out. Mura jumps over, punches it in the face and pretends to be lounging at the window._

**ARCELL**: Mura, what are you doing?

**MURA**: Just relaxing. Taking life easy, you know.

**ARCELL**: Glad to hear it! It's good to relax, Mura, sometimes I think you work too much for your own good.

_Arcell opens the wine cabinet, looking at Mura. A vampyre is inside the wine cabinet, holding a bottle. Arcell reaches inside randomly and takes out the bottle right beside the vampyre which snaps towards his hand. Mura jumps over from the window and bangs Arcell's face into the drinks counter as he yanks the bottle from the vampyre and smashes it over the head with it, closing the drinks cabinet as he does._

**ARCELL**: Mura, what _are _you doing?

**MURA**: Just... giving you a massage, your Baneship! You look tense! You know, promote relaxing! Good health!

**ARCELL**: Thank you, Mura, but at least let me take off my shoudler plates first.

**MURA**: Okay.

_Arcell walks into his changing chamber._

**ARCELL**: AHHH!

_Mura rushes into the changing room._

**MURA**: I can explain!

**ARCELL**: You'd better! Why is nothing where I left it!  
**MURA**: Huh? Oh right, um... Because you've switched your old bedroom in the Citadel for this one in the Tower of Howling and the orcs didn't know where everything went so they just decorated the place to the best of their ability- which isn't very high.

**ARCELL**: Orcs do not make good interior designers?

**MURA**: Of course not. And speaking of the Tower, the whole "Tower of Howling" name is quite long and rather lame, can we change it to something shorter and cooler?

**ARCELL**: Oh yeah, great idea(!) Let's just make up some more random words like "Talishard" or "Asrealm" or "Narpine" why don't we?(!)

**MURA**: No need to be sarcastic.

**ARCELL**: I'm the boss and I wanna be sarcastic so nya to you.

_Arcell picks up a water jug and dumps it into the sink, a vampyre falls out. Mura jumps over, pushes Arcell out of the way and sits in the sink, squashing the vampyre._

**ARCELL**: What in Asyre are you doing?

**MURA**: Getting my ass bitten by some very sharp teeth. Ow.

**ARCELL**: ... Mura? Did you go into my laboratory and... inhale something while I was gone?

**MURA**: No. No, of course not! Of course not!

**ARCELL**: Okay, so what happened while I was gone.

**MURA**: Nothing!  
**ARCELL**: You sure?

**MURA**: Definitely!

_Omin walks in._

**OMIN**: Hey Arcell, lookie what I found!

_Omin holds up a vampyre. Then Mura is flung to the floor as the other pops out of the sink. Arcell looks down at Mura, Omin smiles from the corner._

**MURA**: I can explain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hallowe'en**

_Omin is sitting in a large chair reading "How to kill and eat your enemies, especially Mura- a book by the Bane". Mura is in another chair opposite him reading "50 Great Ways to set Omin on Fire- a book by the Bane." Arcell comes in._

**ARCELL**: Attention everyone!

**OMIN**: There's only the two of us in here, Arcell.

**ARCELL**: I'm glad! Now, my announcement! Hallowe'en is here and we must celebrate!

_Omin and Mura look at each other._

**MURA**: Couldn't he stay sober for one sketch?

**OMIN**: Apparently not.

**ARCELL**: Hey, why do you assume when I have a good idea that I'm drunk!

**MURA**: Because you are.

**ARCELL**: That's beside the point! I mean, no I'm not! Look, one bottle of sherry isn't drunk! Have you seen the size of the bottle? It's tiny!

**OMIN**: # They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said, no, no, no.

**ARCELL**: Shut up! Besides! I have my best ideas when I'm slighty out of it!

**MURA**: Three words, Arcell: roller-blading assassins.

**ARCELL**: Shut you up as well! Now come on, get with the plan, you two! You'll have fun, I'm sure of it!

**OMIN**: Okay, fine, what do you want us to do?

**MURA**: Don't encourage him, Omin.

**ARCELL**: First thing is decorations!

**MURA**: Oh. Well good, in that case we're finished. You're right, that was fun.

**ARCELL**: Huh, how are we finished?

**OMIN**: Elementary my dear Arcell. All the most traditional Hallowe'en decorations are exhibited in Hult every day.

**MURA**: We have the spooky smoke, the ridiculous amount of black and pointy things, the toxic green water, the spine-tingling screams, frequent wolf howling, apparently there's ghosts in the slave pits, things stuck on spikes everywhere and occassionally one of us here laughs very loudly and evilly into the night.

**OMIN**: In my case, I laugh every full moon.

**MURA**: Yeah, what's up with that? ... I think we've depressed him.

**ARCELL**: No, no I'm not depressed. It's just... I was thinking more like some cute, pumpkin-shaped lights or something... That's all.

_Arcell leaves sadly, shoulders slumped._

**OMIN**: I feel bad.

**MURA**: I feel evil, what's new?

**OMIN**: Oh come on, he just wants a bit of fun. It's Hallowe'en! Have a heart.

**MURA**: I do have a heart- it's frozen.

**OMIN**: You know what I mean.

**MURA**: Ugh, fine. Arcell! Grab your credit card, we're going to Argos!

**ARCELL**: Yippee! We need candy for the trick-or-treaters too!

**OMIN & MURA**: "Trick-or-treaters"?

**(Next night and the fortress is under heavy assault by Salhart)**

**ELF1**: Commander! We've retrieved this sign from the front gate!

**ELVEN COMMANDER**: "Happy Hallowe'en"... What fell monsters dwell here?

**ELF2**: They're firing the catapults!

**ELVEN COMMANDER**: Prepare to take evasive action!

**ELF1**: Commander, they're firing mini-projectiles!

**ELVEN COMMANDER**: Shields!

_The elven shields spring up in long, wide rows. Clangs sound as the small projectiles pelt the steel wall._

**ELF1**: What the eff are these things?

**ELF2**: Candy!

**ELF3**: I've got gummy snakes!

**ELF4**: I've got liquorice eyeballs!

**ELF5**: I've got toffee!

**ELVEN COMMANDER**: They gave me an apple... Those evil _monsters_!


	3. Chapter 3

**Ravager Breeding Program**

**ARCELL**: MURA MURA MURA! I've got a great idea!

**MURA**: I'm booking you into alcoholics anonymous tomorrow.

**ARCELL**: No! Hear me out! You know the way we have breeding programmes for the orcs and goblins?

**MURA**: Oh sweet crap, where are you going with this?

**ARCELL**: You know your Ravagers?

**MURA**: No.

**ARCELL**: Yes you do!

**MURA**: I know I know my Ravagers, I'm saying no to your idea.

**ARCELL**: But I haven't even said it yet!

**MURA**: No.

**ARCELL**: But Mura-

**MURA**: No!

**ARCELL**: But-

**MURA**: NO!

**ARCELL**: But, but, why not!

**MURA**: Because you're suggesting we breed the Ravagers.

**ARCELL**: What's wrong with that, we need more Ravagers?

**MURA**: Yes, but currently the only male Ravager that we apparently have in Hult is Fable.

**ARCELL**: So?

**MURA**: So the rest are all women.

**ARCELL**: So?

**MURA**: So in these parodies Fable is always gay.

**ARCELL**: So?

**MURA**: _cracks jaw_ So it's not possible.

**ARCELL**: Oh, right, shame... _starts to_ _grin _What about you though?

**MURA**: No.

**ARCELL**: But-

**MURA**: No.

**ARCELL**: Isn't there any girl you've got your eye on?

**MURA**: No!

**ARCELL**: Huh... So the rumours about you and Omin are true?

**MURA**: NO!

**ARCELL**: Murmin's real! Ha!

**MURA**: Shut up, shut up, shut up!

_Mura runs out of room, hands over his ears. Arcell chases him singing the Murmin song._

**ARCELL**: # You pick each other up, put each other down, you put your feet back on the ground, then you kick and you scratch and you bi-hi-hite! You shout at the other "leave me alone!", but you know where it always goes! You're in love, ur-ur-uv, with each oth-tha!

**Hult Gets a Rollercoaster**

_One day, Arcell was busy oiling his metal face when Mura, in a most ungainly fluster, entered the room with an uncourteous bang._

**MURA**: ARCELL!

**ARCELL**: AH! You scared me!

**MURA**: What in the name of Evil is that!

_Mura jabbed his finger accusingly towards the open window._

**ARCELL**: It appears to be open air. Glad I could help clear that up for you. Bye now.

_Mura seized Arcell by the Bane's shoulders and, continuing in his brash uncourteousness, dragged the poor warlord to the window's balcony. As all windows in Hult apparently had balconies._

**MURA**: What is _that monstrosity_!

_Mura reiterated testily to the Bane. Arcell looked where the blue-haired one's finger was pointing in order to appease his minion's growing rage._

**ARCELL**: That is Helen, the goblin dinner lady. Calling her a monstrosity is quite harsh don't you think? I mean I know she has that problem with excess facial hair but-

**MURA**: Not that, you brain-dead sewer rat! Look up a bit!

**ARCELL**: "_Brain-dead sewer rat!" _How very _dare _you, sir!

_Mura, strapped for time in his impatience, placed his left hand firmly onto the back of Arcell's helmeted head and yanked it down so the Bane's face tilted upwards._

**MURA**: That!

**ARCELL**: Ah, yes, that is the new rollercoaster I asked the goblins to start building-

**MURA**: Not that either! _That!_

**ARCELL**: What?

**MURA**: THAT!

**ARCELL**: Ah, you mean the large pink banner hanging from the Tower of Howling saying "Murmin forever" with that yaoi picture of you and Omin in a mad embrace beside it.

**MURA**: YES!

**ARCELL**: No idea.

**MURA**: I want it taken down immediately!

_Mura was in an even increased fluster. Complete denial does that to you. It was so clear to everyone in the horrible fortress of pain and misery that all of Omin and Mura's constant displays of animosity and loathing for each other was really just a raw homosexual desire and hunger for-_

**MURA**: Arcell, quit doing narration, I can hear you!

**ARCELL**: Oh, right, sorry.

_Arcell apologised but he didn't mean it._

**MURA**: ARCELL!

**ARCELL**: Right right, okay, the banner, I'll take it down. Calm yourself.

**MURA**: Good. And since we've briefly touched on the subject of this sketch's title, why does Hult suddenly have a thrill-ride being constructed in it's centre?

**ARCELL**: For funzies.

**MURA**: Arcell, the colloseum out back was for "funzies", but it also served the purpose of chisling out the weak in the ranks and so it still allowed us to appear evil. We can't appear evil if we're suddenly turning our dark fortress of torture and death into Asyre's first-ever _amusement park!_

**ARCELL**: hey, remember that time in the colloseum when you and Omin fought each other-

**MURA**: That hasn't happened yet! Stop giving away spoilers!

**ARCELL**: You are so stressed. I'm introducing a yoga program tomorrow and I advise you to join it-

**MURA**: DON'T INTRODUCE _YOGA_! THAT DOES THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF MAKING US APPEAR MORE THREATENING! IT MAKES US LOOK CUTE AND CUDDLY AND... SOFT AND...

**ARCELL**: Flexible?

**MURA**: DON'T MAKE US FLEXIBLE!

**ARCELL**: But you never know, it might even help your physical relationship with Omin-

**MURA**: STOP IT!

**ARCELL**: It's fun hurting your mind.

**MURA**: Take down that rollercoaster!

**ARCELL**: Mura honey, it's a rollercoaster. I doubt it'll cause that much damage.

**(One day later and Arcell and Mura are walking down the central Throughway of Hult in a long line of prisoners with their hands on their heads. Hundreds of elves flank them on either side as the fortresss continues to smoke from a savage battle.)**

**ARCELL**: So how'd they beat us again?

**MURA**: All the guards were having fun on the rollercoaster rather than manning their posts.

**ARCELL**: Ah. Right.

**MURA**: ... I told you a rollercoaster was a crap idea.

**ARCELL**: Oh shut up.

**ELVEN GUARD1 to other ELVEN GUARD2**: Hey Lonel, who do you think "Murmin" is?

**MURA**: I hate you Arcell.

**ARCELL**: I know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hult Gets a Rollercoaster**

_One day, Arcell was busy oiling his metal face when Mura, in a most ungainly fluster, entered the room with an uncourteous bang._

**MURA**: ARCELL!

**ARCELL**: AH! You scared me!

**MURA**: What in the name of Evil is that!

_Mura jabbed his finger accusingly towards the open window._

**ARCELL**: It appears to be open air. Glad I could help clear that up for you. Bye now.

_Mura seized Arcell by the Bane's shoulders and, continuing in his brash uncourteousness, dragged the poor warlord to the window's balcony. As all windows in Hult apparently had balconies._

**MURA**: What is _that monstrosity_!

_Mura reiterated testily to the Bane. Arcell looked where the blue-haired one's finger was pointing in order to appease his minion's growing rage._

**ARCELL**: That is Helen, the goblin dinner lady. Calling her a monstrosity is quite harsh don't you think? I mean I know she has that problem with excess facial hair but-

**MURA**: Not that, you brain-dead sewer rat! Look up a bit!

**ARCELL**: "_Brain-dead sewer rat!" _How very _dare _you, sir!

_Mura, strapped for time in his impatience, placed his left hand firmly onto the back of Arcell's helmeted head and yanked it down so the Bane's face tilted upwards._

**MURA**: That!

**ARCELL**: Ah, yes, that is the new rollercoaster I asked the goblins to start building-

**MURA**: Not that either! _That!_

**ARCELL**: What?

**MURA**: THAT!

**ARCELL**: Ah, you mean the large pink banner hanging from the Tower of Howling saying "Murmin forever" with that yaoi picture of you and Omin in a mad embrace beside it.

**MURA**: YES!

**ARCELL**: No idea.

**MURA**: I want it taken down immediately!

_Mura was in an even increased fluster. Complete denial does that to you. It was so clear to everyone in the horrible fortress of pain and misery that all of Omin and Mura's constant displays of animosity and loathing for each other was really just a raw homosexual desire and hunger for-_

**MURA**: Arcell, quit doing narration, I can hear you!

**ARCELL**: Oh, right, sorry.

_Arcell apologised but he didn't mean it._

**MURA**: ARCELL!

**ARCELL**: Right right, okay, the banner, I'll take it down. Calm yourself.

**MURA**: Good. And since we've briefly touched on the subject of this sketch's title, why does Hult suddenly have a thrill-ride being constructed in it's centre?

**ARCELL**: For funzies.

**MURA**: Arcell, the colloseum out back was for "funzies", but it also served the purpose of chisling out the weak in the ranks and so it still allowed us to appear evil. We can't appear evil if we're suddenly turning our dark fortress of torture and death into Asyre's first-ever _amusement park!_

**ARCELL**: hey, remember that time in the colloseum when you and Omin fought each other-

**MURA**: That hasn't happened yet! Stop giving away spoilers!

**ARCELL**: You are so stressed. I'm introducing a yoga program tomorrow and I advise you to join it-

**MURA**: DON'T INTRODUCE _YOGA_! THAT DOES THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF MAKING US APPEAR MORE THREATENING! IT MAKES US LOOK CUTE AND CUDDLY AND... SOFT AND...

**ARCELL**: Flexible?

**MURA**: DON'T MAKE US FLEXIBLE!

**ARCELL**: But you never know, it might even help your physical relationship with Omin-

**MURA**: STOP IT!

**ARCELL**: It's fun hurting your mind.

**MURA**: Take down that rollercoaster!

**ARCELL**: Mura honey, it's a rollercoaster. I doubt it'll cause that much damage.

**(One day later and Arcell and Mura are walking down the central Throughway of Hult in a long line of prisoners with their hands on their heads. Hundreds of elves flank them on either side as the fortresss continues to smoke from a savage battle.)**

**ARCELL**: So how'd they beat us again?

**MURA**: All the guards were having fun on the rollercoaster rather than manning their posts.

**ARCELL**: Ah. Right.

**MURA**: ... I told you a rollercoaster was a crap idea.

**ARCELL**: Oh shut up.

**ELVEN GUARD1 to other ELVEN GUARD2**: Hey Lonel, who do you think "Murmin" is?

**MURA**: I hate you Arcell.

**ARCELL**: I know.


	5. Chapter 5

**Arcell gets a puppy.**

_Mura is sitting in his room, twirling a sherry bottle he stole from Arcell's near-empty drinks cabinet._

**MURA**: Wow, Arcell was right, the sherry bottle is small.

**ARCELL**: Oh _Mura_!

**MURA**: Crap!

_Arcell pokes his head around Mura's bedroom door as Mura stuffs the sherry bottle under his pillow and picks up a book._

**ARCELL**: Hey Murey, whatcha doing?

**MURA**: Just reading a book on... menstruation. Ack! Why's this in my room!

**ARCELL**: Because I put it in there last night.

**MURA**: Why?

**ARCELL**: I was drunk, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

**MURA**: Like all your good ideas when you're drunk, huh? You've got to start attending those AA meetings.

**ARCELL**: Stop going on about those. Anyway, point is, can I have a puppy?

**MURA**: No. But why?

**ARCELL**: Because I've already got one! 

_Arcell enters room cuddling a happy, little, brown puppy._

**ARCELL**: I named him Mr Cuddlydinks! You like him?

_Mura remains sitting on his bed, frozen in shock._

**MURA**: OMIIIIN!

_Omin enters._

**OMIN**: What?

_Mura points frantically at the puppy in panic._

**OMIN**: Oh you got a puppy! I love puppies!

**ARCELL**: I called him Mr Cuddlydinks!

**MR CUDDLYDINKS**: Bark!

**OMIN**: He's so _cute_. Awww... Why's Mura lying stretched-out and wide-eyed on the bed?

**ARCELL**: I dunno. Maybe he's waiting for you to glomp him?

**MURA**: We are supposed to be evil... I am trying so hard to keep us evil and then you go out and get a puppy...

**ARCELL**: Being evil doesn't mean we can't like puppies.

**MURA**: Yes, it does.

**OMIN**: _to Mr Cuddlydinks _Who's a good you know any tricks? Do you? Do you?

**MR CUDDLYDINKS**: Bark!

**OMIN**: Aww...

**MURA**: Okay, give me the puppy.

_Mura jumps off the bed and takes the puppy._

**ARCELL & OMIN**: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

**ARCELL**: What are you doing to Mr Cuddlydinks?

**MURA**: I'm taking him down to the wolves... AN EVIL WARLORD IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE SEEN WITH A FREAKING EFFING PUPPY AND-... ... ... It's peeing on me, isn't it.

**OMIN**: Sort of.

**MURA**: Great(!) I'll be back soon. _lower tone _I hate dogs.

**(Later that day.)**

_Arcell is sitting on his throne in the Main Hall stroking a white cat. Omin is standing beside him, Mura on the other side. Omin looks across at Mr Cuddlydinks, standing with the wolves, dressed in a very mini kit of Hult wolf-armour._

**OMIN**: I preferred Mr Cuddlydinks.

**MURA**: Mr Tinkletoes is better, isn't he Arcell?

**ARCELL**: S'pose.

**MURA**: Cheer up. I let you name it, didn't I?

**OMIN**: Puppies are better than full grown cats.

**MR TINKLETOES**: Hiss.

**OMIN**: Hiss.


	6. Chapter 6

**Achille's First Day**

**MURA**: Now don't worry this is just a formality which you could die from.

**ACHILLE**: Ah... okay. Can I still leave?

**MURA**: No. Now, get in there.

_Mura shoves Achille through a set of doors into the Main Hall where Arcell is sitting on his throne, stroking a white cat._

**ACHILLE**: A white cat? Seriously? You're the big evil bad guy and you have a white cat and yet I get teased because I'm an assassin with a black cloak?

**ARCELL**: It used to be a puppy.

**MURA**: Don't start, Arcell.

**ARCELL**: Why not? Oh right, the interview. So, yeah, so I hear you want to join the Dark Cause, young man.

**ACHILLE**: Well you should have, you tried to kill me when you offered me the position yourself.

**ARCELL**: You're gonna have to be more specific, I try to kill a lot of people.

**ACHILLE**: Achille? Ring any bells? Remember I was in a tree? Kierce nearly bit my leg off when we fell out of it? Where is Kierce anyway?

**ARCELL**: He has an unexpectantly small part in the RP.

**ACHILLE**: Huh. Anyway, remember yet?

**ARCELL**: No, but to keep this interview speeding along I'm just gonna say "sure, why not." So what skills do you think you could bring to our Cause, hmm?

**ACHILLE**: Determination, focus, err... concentration, strength, a willingness to learn-

**ARCELL**: Stop stop stop! All useless. the main thing we're looking form you is: are you willing to put up with a load of weird crap?

**ACHILLE**: You mean like orders? Yeah, I'll follow any order!

**ARCELL**: No, I mean me when I'm drunk. Weird stuff tends to happen. If you don't believe me, I can prove it. Hey Mura what's happened so far because I've been drunk while in total control of a fortress?

**MURA**: We spent three months training roller-blading assassins we'll never use, we threw candy at invaders, we built a rollercoaster and got overrun because of it-

**ARCELL**: Oh yeah, how'd we get out of that one?

**MURA**: Don't know. Oh, and you bought a puppy.

**ARCELL**: Yeah, good times. Shame I don't remember most of them becasue I was drunk at the time. Anyway, so are you still willing to join now, Aicaithad?

**ACHILLE**: Achille.

**ARCELL**: Whatever.

**ACHILLE**: Well, I would join, but at the moment I don't trust you.

**ARCELL**: I don't blame you. Would this help your trust issues?

_Arcell pulls lever and a lot of gold spills out of the ceiling._

**ARCELL**: We got this from a very successful Delegation.

**ACHILLE**: Okay, yeah, I'll so totally join!

**ARCELL**: Good! ...How do you feel about breeding programs?

**MURA**: Arcell!


End file.
